A.K.A. Help Yourself Already
1. Be born to loving parents who have a lot of connections and as you grow up milk those connections.
2. If possible, your parents should be wealthy or at least on the upper end of middle class. Try to avoid being born into generational poverty.
3. Don’t have any serious physical or mental health issues. Not only are those things quelle drag, as they say in eighth grade, but they can seriously screw up your relentless drive to the top.
4. Have fabulous self-esteem as a result of your excellent upbringing. If you have a lack of confidence in some area, be charmingly self-effacing about it.
5. Be naturally disciplined. Practically a ninja.
6. Don’t be born into a poor, war-torn country but if you are, be born into the ruling class. Be first one to flee when the regime falls.
7. Thrive on almost no sleep, unlike most people, who are rendered non-functional by lack of sleep. Harshly judge those who need 8 hours or more but do so passive aggressively.
8. Be really, really smart and good at things that pay well and bring prestige. No one gives a shit if you are good at Tiddly Winks or making that face. At least, no one who counts.
9. Don’t be unattractive. If you are unattractive, don’t be the kind of unattractive that makes others uncomfortable. But really, it’s best to be attractive. Get surgery if necessary.
10. Be tall. Or if you must be short, be cute.
11. Be socially skilled among the right people. Remember to be slightly remote yet kindly to everyone else, especially if they might be interviewed about you later.
12. Marry someone amazing but not so amazing that they’re going to get poached by someone even more wildly successful than you.
13. If you have obstacles to overcome (see above), be super-duper extra-exceptional and transcend your difficulties in a way that is basically a miracle. Make others feel bad that they are not as exceptional by sharing widely your story of transcendence and wild success. Hint: even if you have all the advantages, give yourself a hard luck origin myth so others can feel inadequate.
14. Love money. Get money. Keep money. Repeat.