Hi to you, Barbara. I’m glad to be here and feeling great. Thanks for asking.
What’s that? (Chuckles humbly). Yes, it is a little weird that Americans want my opinion on who they should elect in November. But I’m flattered. Really.
You want to know who I think should be the next president? Oh, Barbara, I’m sure you have your own ideas…
You don’t? Well, in that case, I have to say I’m for Kerry.
Well, first there’s his hair. The man has fantastic hair.
You don’t think that’s a reason? Oh, Barbara, I have to disagree. The greatest U.S. presidents have all had marvelous hair. Clinton, Kennedy. Take a look at the archives and you’ll see. Good hair is the single greatest indicator of a successful presidency.
(Shrugs humbly.) It’s all about close observation, Barb. May I call you Barb? Great. What’s that? No, actually I’d prefer you called me Susan.
What else do I like about Kerry? Well, the man has a very strong environmental record. And let’s face it, without a healthy environment we’ll all be living in world that looks like the set from Blade Runner. Except for all the animals and birds (not to mention poorer people) that go extinct. www.salon.com/books/feature/2004/08/24/rfk_jr/index.html
They won’t even get to live in a Blade Runner-type situation. Which reminds me of that line in The Weakerthan’s song, Plea From a Cat Named Virtue:
We can talk about the weather
Or how the weather used to be.
Isn’t that just the most chilling line in pop music? The weather’s crazy and the other guy won’t even admit there’s a problem.
Eh? Get back on track? About what? Oh, Kerry. Yeah, he’d be good because, like obviously, he’s a decorated war hero in spite of what those speed boaters hired by the other guy say. That should be illegal. Giving people money to lie about perfectly good war heroes is pretty despicable. I mean, especially since the other guy didn’t even do his National Guard duty. Why doesn’t anyone talk about that?
Pardon? Why won’t I say the other guy’s name? Ha! That’s a good question Barb. But I would like someday to visit your fair country again and I don’t want to end up with my name on some list. There is no list? I beg to differ. I heard the other guy and his people are major list-makers. Checking-it-twice kind of list-makers. Shit-list makers if you will. I’m all about avoiding the list, B!
Yes, B., I think Kerry’s got a firm grasp on the issues. Keeping jobs in the U.S. and all that. He’s good with numbers, the economy. And frankly, his eyes are a nice distance apart.
I mean his eyes are an appropriate distance apart. Now, I’m not saying the other guy’s eyes are too close together, but they are. Someone should ask him about that. They should add the eye question to the other ones they want to ask him: http://kerryblog.blogspot.com
Look Barb, I’m telling you, the other guy’s eyes are only a few millimetres apart. (That’s metric. It’s how we measure here in Canada. It’s British. Yeah, I know, it’s annoying. No, I don’t think Kerry would make you guys switch if he wins.)
War on terror? Oh definitely Kerry’s your man. There’s the decorated war hero thing. Plus, he can speak French. It’s been proven that a lot of stuff gets said in French and some of it’s terrifying. I don’t want to go into specifics. The other guy, and I’m not trying to be rude here, but there’s some concern that he can’t even speak English. That’s a problem. At least, I think it is. And I’m from Canada and can’t speak French so I think I have some insight.
And the wives? They’ve both got good spouses. The other guy’s spouse used to be a librarian and I totally approve of that: Shout out to librarians! You’re my people, babes! But I think her mother-in-law keeps her on a tight leash. She doesn’t have enough of the Giles in her. (Buffy fans know what I mean.) Teresa Heinz Kerry, on the other hand, she keeps it real, even though she’s so rich and everything. She says what she thinks. She’s like ketchup: Saucy! I love her. Any guy that would marry Teresa has good taste, man.
You’d prefer I kept it to Barb and not “man”? Fine. Be uptight. You asked me for this interview, B. I could have gone on The Daily Show. I love Jon Stewart. Now there’s a guy with good hair and eyes in all the right places!
How do I feel about the fact that I have probably influenced the course of history by coming out so strongly in favour of Kerry? Well, B., I feel good about it. I do what I can. I just wish it was more.