Sorry for the infrequent updating. I’ve been buried in the revisions to the new book and am jealously guarding each word. Hey! I can’t use that word in my blog! What if it would fit perfectly in the book! Can’t be squandering words all over the place.
Yes, it’s ridiculous. No, that’s not how prolific, endlessly creative writers think.
The big news has nothing to do with the TV show or the writing. The big news is that I have finally had a dental breakthrough. I have experienced a lot of dentistry in my life. Braces, headgear, caps, root canals, you name it, I have endured it in the name of a straight, white smile. And in that whole time dentists and their trusty hygienists have been giving me advice to make my smile better and my gums pinker. Apparently flossing almost every day and brushing three times a day is not enough.
Have you thought about brushing your teeth while you watch TV?”" more than one dental type has asked brightly. (To which I have silently replied, ‘A person can’t brush her teeth and knit and eat popcorn while watching The Office. Guess which one is going to go?’)
One charming fellow, a recent graduate of the Case Western Dentistry and Torturer’s School, thought my gums were puffy because I am a night-time mouth breather. (He had no evidence of this, but was the sort of person who was comfortable making wild and unsubstantiated accusations.) His suggestion: “Why don’t you try TAPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT AT NIGHT?” Yes, he actually suggested that. I thanked him graciously for his excellent suggestion and went home and had a long talk with my teeth and assured them that I wouldn’t be locking them in at night. Yeesh.
Another hygienist thought I should try rubbing Vaseline all over my gums before bed. Yes, that sounds delicious. And when I get done with that I’ll put a dab of hair dye in my eye, just to see what happens!
Finally, after my last cleaning, complete with worried, muttery noises from the hygienist, she suggested that I go buy a Sonicare electric toothbrush. Which I did, just to get her and all the rest of the dental professionals off my back. I was worried it would be like that crappy old water pick I had when I was a kid that used to shoot water all over the bathroom mirror and up my nose and had no discernible effect. But it turns out the SONICARE (I’m shilling all caps now, out of sheer enthusiasm) is a miracle tool for those with less than perfect gums.
It vibrates like like a buzz saw and “sonics” your gums into pinkness and health! It also has a two minute timer so you brush long enough. My gums have never been pinker. Every day I Sonicare (my favourite new verb!) and then stare long and hard at my smile and every day there is less gum and more tooth. I’m a Sonicare addict and will be applying to be an after model in the advertisement any day now. So there. I’ve done my bit to keep the consumer economy chugging along.
(Note to the makers of Sonicare electric toothbrush: you can send my cheque to the house. It’ll be the one with the loud vibrating noise going day and night, much to the confusion and alarm of the neighbors.)
Did I really just write a whole blog about my toothbrush? God, no wonder I never update this thing…