I guess the thing that surprises me is that none of the contestants on Rock Star INXS have called to ask to borrow my moon boots for the finale. It seems to me that if a person’s trying to fill a hole such as that left by Micheal Hutchence, that person would want some very special footwear. Oh well, I will wear the boots tonight when I watch and radiate some of their special moon powers at the person I think should win.
Hint: It’s not Marty or Mig.
It’s not Marty because even though his original song, Trees, is quite catchy and he has a good lead singer look, somewhere between Tom Petty and Kurt Cobain, he has also developed the single most irritating way of standing I have ever seen. A thin thread of a man, he stands rigidly, one arm akimbo, in a way that would get his ass turfed off America’s Top Model in no time flat. It’s like he’s trying to do David Bowie, but ends up coming off more like broken broomstick. Also, he’s begun making cow eyes at the camera during his increasingly frequent close-ups (presumably employed because the producers are trying to hide the annoying way he stands).
Mig is the wrong choice for INXS because he needs to leave himself free to be cast as Rolfe, Liesl’s Nazi love interest, in The Sound of Music. Not because Mig seems like a Nazi, but because he’s got that thing for military jackets and the most affected haircut on reality television. I would council him in the strongest possible terms to get that hair of his shorn to almost nothing. To give weight to this argument, he’s clearly a chest waxer, and The Sound of Music has always seemed to be the musical with the highest number of chest waxers in it. Except maybe for Cats.
Which leaves us with J.D. who takes himself far too seriously and is certainly the most likely to turn into a pompous and unbearable boor minutes after getting the gig. But that’s fine, because then Mark Burnett and INXS can fire him and do it all again. That works for me, because the songs are an excellent antidote to the all-crap, all-the-time playlist on American and Canadian Idol. (Another point in J.D.’s favour is that he’s shown he can learn and grow AS AN ARTIST. I know this because he’s stopped wiggling his hand like it’s a bird with uncontrollable and untreated palsy. Now he just sort of slobbers on the people in the front row, which let’s face it, is a very rock star thing to do.)
I admit that I didn’t used to like INXS. I thought Micheal Hutchence’s delivery was overwrought. But then he died in questionable and possibly undignified circumstances (Look it up. See also the episode of Law and Order that deals with autoerotic asphyxiation) and I realized he truly was an 80s hero and a genuine rock star. Now, thanks to Rock Star INXS I’ve also grown to love the rest of the band members.
My moon boots are going to be trained on J.D. tonight. Is he ready for a new sensation? We’ll find out!