Thanks for a fun weekend. I appreciate that the pakoras I made for dinner worked out and didn’t burn and that I was finally able to rent the last disc of Battlestar Galactica (which I’ve been waiting for for a least a week. Thanks also for my husband James, who picked up the takeout last night when I was so tired. That was nice. But mostly, God, thanks for not inspiring me to write a tell-all book about my wasted youth and triumphant and self-propelled recovery that was picked by Oprah for her book club and then exposed as a pack of damnable lies by those purveyors of mug shots at The Smoking Gun, which landed me on Larry King, where I was expected to explain myself, and then on Oprah again, where she kicked my ass back and forth (along with the asses of my editor and a few select others) until I was completely destroyed in front of an audience of millions. Also, thanks for not making me write several gritty yet poetic books about my life as a Navajo person under a single word psuedonym and then letting the L.A. Weekly expose me as a white-as-a-sheaf-of-bleached-paper former chronicler of the gay leather scene.
Those writers: always with the lies! And one more thing God, have you given any thought to my proposal? The one where I write a book revealing that I am the abandoned love child of Ted Nugent and Barbara Amiel (wife of that besieged former Canadian, Lord Black), and that as a toddler I had to forage through the garbage to get enough to eat because there was no room at Ted’s ranch and Barbara couldn’t fit me in any of her homes because she needed the room for shoes, but none of that matters because I’ve gone on to get my grade eight math certificate after several bold and courageous tries and any minute now someone’s going to lift me up (by my bootstraps) where I belong by giving me a starring role in the next Farrelly brothers film? (Please note, God, that the bit about passing grade 8 math is mildly fictitious. The rest, however, is gospel, as they say in your house. You can take it to the bank.)
Until next time,
Your grateful servant,
Susan (Nugent Amiel)