Matt Damon and the Bourne franchise, I don’t think I would be the ideal travel companion for Jason Bourne (and not just because I’m happily married to James, who is not on the run, which I appreciate when I’m doing things like planning dinner parties and trips to the garbage dump.)
But let’s say that I wasn’t married to James…
[insert dream-sequence-y twinkly noise and some dry smoke]
Susan is walking down the side of the road in Nanaimo, B.C. with her dog, Frank.
A mysterious man in a dark jacket and trousers and short hair leaps over a backyard fence and sprints down the road. He stops when he reaches Susan and Frank.
Mysterious Man: (panting) Excuse me. Can you tell me where the nearest international airport is?
Susan: Oh, god. I’m not sure. I HATE flying. And international travel, because it’s so far away. The world, I mean. Although, I did pick up my friend Abbie at the Vancouver International Airport a few months ago. Her flight was like two hours late. Man, I was in such a bad mood by the time she got in. I had low blood sugar. Also, I was in a healthy snack phase and all the kiosk sold was dried fruit and nuts for like $5 a bag. Say, is everything all right? You look a little sweaty.
Mysterious Man: Have you seen any dark coloured SUVs driving slowly by? Or silver sedans idling near here?
Susan: No, but if I do and they start going too fast, I will take their plate numbers. You wouldn’t BELIEVE how people speed in this neighborhood. It drives me crazy. Seriously. I’ve stopped like five or six cars and told off the drivers. I hate it when people drive like maniacs.
Mysterious Man: (stares at his shoes with a guilty look on his haunted face. There is a loud ping as a shot ricochets off a stop sign. The man leaps in the air and tackles Susan to the ground.) Get down! They’re after us!
Mysterious Man: Quiet.
Susan: Watch Frank! He’s afraid of gunshots. Last time he heard one he ran away and went to this trailer owned by this woman called Mrs. Bugsby. It was like he wanted to live with Mrs. Bugsby forever. Just because of one shot. After all we’ve done for him. Ungrateful little bastard.
Mysterious Man: Please be quiet.
Susan: I don’t think it was a gun. I think it was a firecracker. Halloween is coming up in two months and all the little pyro kids around here like to get started early.
Mysterious Man: OWWWWW! Get him off me!
Susan: Frank! Are you biting this nice man? Stop it. I know you are becoming increasingly grumpy as you get older but there’s no excuse for biting.
Mysterious Man: Owwwww! My asset training at the secret training facility didn’t prepare me for this!
Susan: Frank! Heel! Off! Down! Abort!
Mysterious Man: (leaps to his feet, gives Susan and Frank a horrified look and limps off quickly down the road)
Susan: I didn’t get your name!
Mysterious Man: (doesn’t look back, just limps faster.)
Susan: I think the airport in Courtenay might have direct flights to Mexico. It’s…
But the mysterious man is gone. Susan and Frank continue their walk alone.