Dear First Lady Obama,
I would like to formally register my dismay at your cruel and insensitive statements regarding possible names your new dog.
Let me quote you from a CNN article:
The only thing left to pick is the name, and Mrs. Obama said she is not a fan of her daughters’ choices.
“There are names floating around and they’re bad,” Mrs. Obama said in the interview. “You listen and you go – like, I think, Frank was one of them. Frank! Moose was another one of them. Moose. I said, well, what if the dog isn’t a moose? Moose. I’m like, no, come on, let’s work with the names a little bit.”
I beg your pardon! Frank is an excellent name for a dog. I should know. I have been called Frank (Frances when I’m being disobedient) since I was eight weeks old and I’m EXCEPTIONAL. I bet your daughters heard about me and that’s where the idea came from. Or maybe you are harboring hard feelings since I withdrew my name from consideration for becoming first dog. Well, I heard Susan and James talking about about how good-looking I was and how cute and how I shed better than any dog they’ve ever known and I thought, I can’t leave them. They would be lost without me and the tufts of hair I leave everywhere. Plus, they enjoy swimming with me in the summer, even though swimming makes me smell and causes my glands go a bit funny so they have to be “expressed” at the vet, which is fun for exactly no one.
As a result of your slur against the name Frank, Susan has taken to calling me Kevin. That’s how much she is influenced by anything Obama. I don’t care for the name Kevin and so I’m asking you to admit your mistake. You can do so by sending Susan a message via this email address or you can apologize by sending me several bags of Chummy Yummies and I’ll just get used to the name Kevin.
The Dog Formerly Known as Frank
P.S. I bet there are other dogs named Frank and they probably feel like I do. You can send me their treats as well.
P.P.S. Portuguese Water Dog? Pft.