Hello all,

Today, the last day of January, 2011, I’m pleased to introduce the expanded and enhanced version of susanjuby.com! Thank you to designer Diane for the wonderful design work and Andrew for his technical brilliance. Please spend a little time checking out our new features, especially the page for Woefield. There’s a hatching going on! If you’d like to add to the Rare Birds Gallery, we’d love to have some of your work.

What better way to celebrate the site than to announce the winners of the Great Woefield Book and Hen Bag Giveaway?

Without further delay: here are the book winners:

Canada
Steph Vandermeulen from Belleville, Ontario
Lisa Mitchell from Mississauga, Ontario
Lisa Brideau from Vancouver, B.C.
Sue Farrell Holler from Grande Prairie, Alberta

United States
Nancy La Shure from Parsippany, New Jersey
Jessica Wolf from Justin, Texas
Dawn Nowaski from Indianapolis, Indiana
Viviane Quinones from Greer, South Carolina

And now, for our GRAND PRIZE HEN BAG PLUS BOOK WINNERS…

Lisa Brideau!

Steph VanderMeulen!!

Jessica Wolf!!!

Congratulations winners and thanks to the hundreds of people who entered. Please keep an eye on the blog as there may be further giveaways closer to our March 8 publication date. If the winners like the book, I hope they won’t hesitate to spread the word via any means necessary. Ahem. Also, I think I speak for all the readers of this blog when I say we’d love a picture of you with the book and the bag.

xox

Well, Mr. Z hasn’t been in touch yet about an interview. I’ve checked the postbox twelve times and my email and facebook pages three hundred and twelve times. It’s okay. He’s probably very busy interviewing inappropriate candidates for the literary entourage.

In the meantime, to get our contestants for book and hen bag giveaway in a celebratory mood in preparation for the draw, I offer this, a video sent to me by my friend Jacquie. (Jay-Z and the hiring team are also welcome to watch it as this is the kind of thing I can counted on to bring to the table. Or at least the screen. Just imagine it, Mr. Z. You’ll be tired from a long day of recording and signing top new acts and autographing copies of the masterpiece that is Decoded and doing crucial rocawear-related business and you’ll sit yourself down in a setting that I can’t quite visualize, but it will be REALLY NICE. And you’ll be thinking, Hmmmm. What should I do next that’s charming and non-taxing mentally. That’s where I come in. I’ll be all, “Hey Jay! Have you seen Classical Chickens? It’s a classic.” You’ll probably high five me or we’ll do some complicated upper echelon rap-mogul-type handshake that your lessers imitate but never get right. Then we’ll watch the video, twice or even three times. After that, you’ll feel strong enough to finish working until one o’clock in the morning, confident that I’m holding down the fort in that nice place, combing youtube for funny stuff about chickens and facebooking my friends. That’s the kind of thing you can count on from me if I become a member of your literary entourage.)

Important Business Note(s):

The Win a Copy of Woefield and Maybe Even a Hen Bag if You’re the Extremely Lucky Type, Contest ends Sunday 30th. See details lower down on the blog.

Also, we want your Rare Bird Galley Submissions. Check below on the blog. It’s a good way to get spotted by Jay-Z’s team! (Or possibly not.)

Susan Juby

email: andfurthermore@shaw.ca

web: www.susanjuby.com

Jay-Z Enterprises

New York

Down in Tribeca

100012

Re: Application to Join Book Entourage

Dear Mr. Z,

First, let me say that I am aware that your given name is Shawn Carter and that Jay-Z is a stage name. I thought that since I am applying to join your literary entourage, I would follow your lead and use the name you use for the cover of your magnificent new book, Decoded. I’m not sure what name the people in your music and fashion entourages use because the guards have never let me get close enough to figure it out. My hope is that after you read this application letter, all that will change.

(Sigh. Only my favourite cover in recent memory!)

You may not at first glance, consider me as a natural inner circle material. I am past forty, female, I live in the suburbs, in Canada, and I go to bed at 10:30 p.m. on the dot. You will find, however, that those things make me eminently qualified for a literary posse.

I realize that hordes of horn-rimmed twenty-something hipsters of all colours and backgrounds are vying for a spot on the team. Many of them probably contribute to online music magazines or were music editor on their college papers. The majority of them are probably male. Some may have written ’zines or even designed their own font.

This candidate pool is unsuitable for the following reasons: they will want to talk all the time about the history of hip hop and rap and will get offended if you haven’t heard of every single act they consider important. They will inevitably be working on academic theses and will bother you for quotes to impress their friends and professors. They will wear cardigans in a semi-offensive way and are likely to keep anonymous blogs where they will talk about what it’s like to be in your entourage in hopes of getting noticed by Gawker. Yes: they may have some book cred but they definitely don’t have what it takes to be a loyal, non-annoying literary entourage member.

There is probably also a towering stack of applications from a certain type of female fan. I think we can agree that they would cause more problems than they would solve.  You are, after all, married to the ravishing Beyonce, or BK from Texas, as you so astutely put it. We wouldn’t want some crazy girl in a halter top pushing B.K. down the stairs in a fit of jealous rage!  I think your wife would feel very comfortable with me. After all, I haven’t put on a halter top since late 2000. Chances are those groupie-types are not qualified to be part of a book entourage, particularly an entourage devoted to a literate, smart, well-designed book. Try this: Ask one of those women what she thinks of Garamond. If she tells you she went on holiday there once, you can immediately dismiss her. Alternatively, ask her what her feelings are about Gill Sans. If she say he’s a nice guy, except when he’s drunk, you can end it there. (Side note: Eric Gill was NOT A NICE MAN! That business with his daughter was a whole lot of Someone Call a Social Worker!) Ha. See, that’s the kind of joke we can share together when I get into the entourage because we, you and me, Z, are book people. If certain women of low character (do you mind if I call them that?) want to be in someone’s literary entourage, the boys from Motley Crüe wrote a book called The Dirt. That might be a better fit for them.

Apropos of nothing, I’d like to take this opportunity to say how much I love the look of Decoded and applaud your art direction and choice of book designer. Chip Kidd: eat your heart out. (Please note, if I was part of your literary entourage, we could share another chummy laugh over this reference to a top book designer. But with me over here and you over there, a large part of the effect of our shared amusement at bookish jokes is lost. Possibly forever. And that’s sad.)

I know a cover letter should only be a page, max, so I’ll wrap it up for now. Let me conclude by adding that one of the benefits of having a genuine over-forty woman, who also happens to be a writer, (we’ll discuss the implications of that further if I’m granted an interview or if I decide to write another, more attention-getting cover letter), in your entourage, is that book buyers are my people. That’s right. Once all the rap loving teens and twenty-somethings and music people and fashion people and people interested in contemporary culture and whomever else finish buying your book, we will start. And we won’t stop. Because we are the backbone of the book industry. A certain kind of woman in her teens, twenties and thirties is bookish, but it’s only when that kind of woman moves into her forties that she and her sisters become one nation under print. We write many of the books, we edit, publish and publicize the books, and we read almost all of them.

We are everyone’s target market. (Except for that guy who writes those heavily researched spy thrillers. His market is all over-fifty men who read his books when they aren’t writing apoplectic comments in response to online newspaper articles.)

I would like to thank you for taking the time to read this and to consider me for the position. I would be very happy to discuss in detail all the hundreds, if not thousands of things I loved about your book and your career in general and how I can contribute to your literary entourage. Also, if you’re wondering whether I have any food allergies or favorite coffees or teas for when I go with you and the other members to afternoon literary salons, the answer is, Sleepy Time is great for evening, but green tea is best for day! Related to that, and in the interests of full disclosure, while I approve of your decision to boycott Cristal and replace it with Krug and Dom in your clubs, if the champers comes out during a literary event, you can just give mine to someone in your fashion or music entourages because I don’t drink any more. It’s sort of like how you don’t sell drugs any more, only my thing with drinking was significantly less lucrative. Actually, I guess it was pretty different now that I really think about it.

Please let me know if you have any questions after you read my CV, which will follow shortly.

With utmost respect,

Susan Juby

Just in case you need help visualizing it…

The first copies of the paperback for Nice Recovery are coming off the press as I write this and it should be in stores February 15! For anyone who has forgotten what it looks like and needs a reminder in order to locate it in the store:

Or, for anyone who needs a reminder of the cake we served at the launch:

In other news, this weekend we took some time out to watch The Social Network. It was a great movie and like all great movies it taught me something and put me in deeper touch with my desires. For instance, I had no idea that there is a class of women and presumably men who will disappear into a bathroom with someone because he or she created an interesting website! I would not have guessed this! Also, I now know that there is no cooler thing in the world than to be a twin named “Winklevoss”. Thanks to Laura Lippman’s Tess Monaghan I was already in love with the idea of rowing. To be a Rowing Winklevoss must be something else. The other big takeaway is that facebook taps into everything that is wrong with me. I bet the Rowing Winklevosses don’t go on f.b. five times a day, and not just because they’re still mad and also too busy spending the multimillion dollar settlement they got from Mark Zuckerberg but because they’re rowing and shopping at Brook’s Brothers and talking to royalty and whatnot. I will not be cutting down on my facebook usage because, let’s be honest, I am no Winklevoss.

Another movie recently watched was True Grit. I loved it until the last ten minutes. There’s no need to go into detail except to say “Little Blackie” and “that was some bullshit”. Other than that, it was magical mayhem.

To show that he listens, especially when I mention something twenty-eight times, Jimmy surprised me with a copy of Jay-Z’s Decoded last night. I’m tempted to pack it around with me in a sad attempt to have some of its cool rub off on me. I could just tuck the book jacket into my pants and see if that works.

We have nearly 300 entries in the Woefield/Woefield-plus-hen-bag-giveway so far. It’s turning into a horse race! (No, I don’t entirely know what that means, but that’s never stopped me before.) The renovated website should launch near the end of the month. All is good and somewhere, in a land far, far away, the Rowing Winklevosses are hurtling along picaresque waterways. I’ll leave you with that thought.

xox

We couldn’t help but notice that all the magazines and newspapers are coming out with their top picks for 2011 and we wanted in on that action. To that end, we have assembled a panel of top fashion experts and trend watchers to let you know what’s what and what’s not what in 2011.

Here are our top picks for this year:

Pants.

Wide-legged and skinny, bootlegged, stretchy and flared, pants, especially if they make your butt look awesome, are going to be IT this year. Unless you’re into…

Skirts.

Short, long, flounced or A-line, skirts are going to be HUGE, particularly if you’ve got terrific ankles and legs.They’re going to be especially hot when paired with:

Shirts.

Button down, T, boatnecked, cowlnecked, long-sleeved and ribbed: it doesn’t matter as long as you have ripped abs, toned arms and whatever size chest Hollywood is currently promoting. Our panel predicts that when the weather turns cold, shirts are going to go super nova when paired with:

Coats.

Shoes.

Scarves. But not Burberry scarves because that whole B-plaid thing is played out, thanks to excessive counterfeiting.

WHAT’S NOT HOT FOR 2011

Knives.

Guns.

Brass Knuckles.

Lined paper.

iPods that no longer work because the battery crapped out.

Colanders.

Ugly things that aren’t useful or ironic.*

* Note that our trend watchers expect useless, ugly irony-free things to make a strong comeback in 2012, so put em A-side, not OUT-side. Ahem.

Also hot: Entering the draw to win a copy of Woefield and possibly a hen bag by sending your address to: andfurthermore@shaw.ca and sending us an instance of your rare birds creativity (see post below) in the form of a photo, video or piece of writing to be featured in the Rare Bird Gallery. You, my friends, are always hot.

Woefield is due to hit the shelves in two months. The launch of my first novel specifically for adults (and mature teen readers) is a source of much joy and I want to share some of that feeling with you, gentle and less gentle readers.

If you are interested in winning a copy of Woefield, please send me an email to that effect, with your name and address. There will be no skill-testing question because Woefield is not that kind of book and I’m not that kind of writer. Send emails to: andfurthermore@shaw.ca

I will put all the entries in a hat and get someone who is nearby to pick the winners.

Now, you might be saying to yourself, “Self, winning a book is no biggie. I would rather win the lottery or at least get a free manicure.”

To you I say, “Slow down! You may win more than my (incredibly exciting) new book! The top three winners will receive their copy of the book in the most stylish and distinctive package ever: the inimitable, unforgettable, almost unimaginable HEN BAG!” (The hen bag will make sense after you read the book.)

Take a moment now to imagine yourself strutting around at the local farmer’s market with one of these bad girls hanging from the crook of your arm. Add to the picture by imagining one of these cultural touchstones inside your hen bag:

Sigh. It’s a beautiful sight, yes?

What do I ask of you in return? I hope you’ll read the book and enjoy it. Perhaps you’ll feel moved by the spirit of sustainability to write a nice little review on Amazon.com or Amazon.ca or Goodreads. Or maybe you’ll just run away from home with nothing more a copy of Woefield and a toothbrush in your hen bag, plus a small Ziplock full of radishes for the long bus ride to Madison, Wisconsin. It’s up to you.

Please note that Home to Woefield/The Woefield Poultry Collective contains some strong language and grown up scenes (well, sort of) and is not suitable for younger viewers. At least, it’s not suitable for younger viewers who are carefully supervised. I mean, the book’s not Flowers in the Attic or Wifey or anything, but it’s not intended for little kids. I do not plan to start the publicity efforts by getting myself banned in Texas. Again.

Also, please don’t put the hen bag on your head. Trust me on this.

Finally, if you haven’t sent in an entry for the Rare Birds Gallery (see details below), please do so. We’d love to feature you and your work on the revised website.

Names of the winners will be announced by the end of January.

xoxox

Dear 2011,

I forgot to make a list for Santa this year, so I’m going to make one twice as long for you. The thing I like about making lists for you, New Year, is that you’ve never met me before and have no preconceptions about my nice/naughty ratio. Please don’t talk to Santa. He’s a terrible old gossip and doesn’t forgive and forget the way someone with chronic rosacea and persistent belly fat ought to.

So I know it’s traditional when greeting the New Year to begin by listing the many self-improvement initiatives one is going to undertake to improve one’s baseline excellence, but frankly 2011, my baseline is already very high and I’m no longer interested in showing up others’ baselines through my relentless daily striving for perfection. Instead, 2011, I’m more interested in what you can do for me that won’t require a lot of time or effort on my part. What I’m proposing is sort of a quid pro quo minus the quo.

Without further preamble or explanation, because I’m no longer interested in being polite, here are my demands for 2011:

1. I would like to be able to touch my toes. If you’ve been speaking to Jesus, you already know that in 2010 I took up yoga because of my bum shoulder (and you’ll know about the shoulder if you’ve been speaking to my doctor or anyone who has come within a hundred yards of me in the last year). Yoga is great and I’ve been putting in serious time and effort. The thing is though, 2011, I haven’t been getting all the results I want. Sure, the pain is gone from my shoulder and I feel better than I have in years. But if I’m going to put in an hour or two a day of yoga, shouldn’t I be able to touch my toes? Well, shouldn’t I? It’s not too much to ask, is it?? I don’t think so. I’m willing to be humble about all the other stuff I can’t do (like full wheel back bends or that one where you kneel on your own elbows, etc.) but in almost every class I attend I am the only one who can’t touch her toes. Not that I’m comparing. So please, 2011, have a word with my hamstrings and lower back and let’s get this taken care of. Namaste.

2. Make my new book very commercially and critically successful. I took the time to write it and rewrite it many times and I can honestly say that I gave it my all. I will promote it to the best of my ability. All you need to do is force everyone who can read, even a little bit, to buy a copy for themselves and another for a friend, kind of like what 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 etc. did with Twilight. My book is called The Woefield Poultry Collective in Canada and Home to Woefield in the U.S. Write those names down, 2011, just in case you get forgetful about my book sales like some other years I won’t mention.  Also, remember to contact the high powered TV people. A long-lived TV series spin-off is definitely in order, because I’d really like one.

3. Make the book I’m working on right now really good and easy to write and edit. Then have a word with 2012 about marketing and so forth, based on what you learned while making Woefield a juggernaut.

4. I’d like to lose some weight (10 lbs would be fine) but in no way modify my eating habits. Also, I’d prefer not to get food poisoning this year.

5. Don’t be shy about sending money my way. Some can come from book sales and work, but don’t be afraid to leave quantities of $50 bills where I can find them.

6. I’m somewhat interested in becoming a famous quilter, but find quilting a bit tedious and time-consuming. What I propose is that you send along a taste-maker of some kind, maybe Wintour or someone like that, have her buy my first quilt for, say, $75,000. Then get her to tell people like Gwyneth about it and then get Gwyneth to write me up in GOOP as the amazing new quilter so I can determine whether it’s fun to be a celebrity quilter. Please make sure the weight loss has happened before the GOOP team comes to take my photo.

7. If I decide to get chickens, please make them not a hassle. They should also lay a lot of eggs.

8. I’d like the garden to be productive and not much work.

9. It would be fine if I was very inspiring to my students and was voted the best teacher they ever had. They are also welcome to dedicate future publications, including bylines in newspapers, to me. If they would like to bring me delicious snacks, but only when I’m hungry and it’s not awkward to turn the snacks down, that would be fine also. Please, nothing with mayonnaise or green dye.

10. Health and happiness to everyone I know or ever might know, as well as peace on earth and an end to environmental destruction and urban sprawl are also on the list.

As you can see, 2011, there is a lot to do and no time to waste!

I look forward to working with you and if I have further items to add to my list, I’ll send them along when I feel like it.

Sincerely,

Susan