— Oh, hi Sean, I didn’t know you were in town.
— Hey, Susan. Yeah, Robin and I are here with the kids. Trying to get away from the paparazzi. You know how it goes.
— Well actually, I don’t —
— I can’t stand those bastards. But if I say the slightest thing, or throw a little punch or whatever, it’s headline news. Sometimes it seems like everything I do just pisses people off. It’s not worth it.
— Wow. That’s terrible.
— Well, you of all people should know what I’m talking about.
— ?
— I saw some of your reviews on Amazon.com. You’ve really upset some people. Like that “Hilary Duff Land” person. She was harsh, man.
— Well, she said she didn’t like the book, but I’m suspicious there’s more to it than that. Like I’m going to be the victim of a Duff fan vendetta or something. Maybe the reviewer was mad about my comments about using Hilary Duff’s music to torture dogs. And that thing I said about Duff’s hair.
Now I know how Avril feels. Remember when she and Hilary had that feud? Well, I know how Avril feels minus the adoring crowds and street marketing teams…
— Rough. I got a lot of that after I did Dead Man Walking. The pro-capital-punishment people were all over my ass about that one.
— And your fact-finding trips to Iraq weren’t totally popular with everyone either.
— Hell no. But sometimes you’ve got to take a stand. And I have to admit that the Academy Award nomination for Dead Man helped take the sting away. Even though it’s such a high school popularity contest and I hate that shit. I only went to the last one for Clint.
— The one where you won Best Actor for your performance in Mystic River? And got a standing ovation from the audience?
— You saw that?
Anyway, I’ve got to say though, none of my critics have ever been as pissed off as some of those homeschool people are at you. I saw that review where that girl called you mentally defective. And that kid and her mother really tore a strip off you.
— Yeah, it’s true. I was a little alarmed that they took it so seriously. I mean, it was supposed to be a joke. It’s like: “Your Appreciation of Irony pills are still waiting for pickup at the pharmacy counter.” But I guess if I’m going to make jokes I have to be prepared for some backlash. And some homeschool kids and parents thought it was funny. The cool, nice homeschool kids anyway…
— My buddy Tim calls it the Sean Penn Factor: the ability to piss people off.
— I totally have that! I mean, minus the huge success part.
— Maybe you should start doing drama. Writing serious stuff.
— You might be right. It would make the whole backlash thing a little easier to take.
— I’ll have a fair trade, rain forest-friendly medium roast. What are you having?
— Same.