Dear Xena,
For a media escort who dresses like Linda Hamilton on the set of Planet of the Apes (Bright Eyes! Bright Eyes!) you are very timid about the subjects of talks and about social interaction generally.
I DO NOT tell everyone about the bidet! Sure, I may have mentioned it to the festival director, but it was just an “in passing” comment. I’m sure she didn’t think me any less sophisticated.
And you are all wrong about Jaclyn’s talk. I am not in the least embarrassed that I am dumber than her dog, Lucky. If you were listening carefully, you would have heard her say that Lucky was a border collie. Border collies are smart! Very smart! It’s no secret that your average border collie is much brighter than your average 14 year old who is in the middle of a Duran Duran phase! Never mind a DRUNK 14 year old in a one piece jean jumpsuit. There’s no shame in it Xena.
Anyway, if you are going to be so sensitive, you should find another author to handle. I am a very busy person and don’t have time to mess around with assessing the extra space in mini-bars. Maybe you could escort Margaret Atwood. I’m guessing she’d sound smarter than an entire pack of border collies and wouldn’t let on for a minute that she has never used a bidet.
See you in the morning. Please don’t stay up all night thinking of things I shouldn’t have done. Save some disapproval for tomorrow!
Best regards,
Susan