Accomplished so far in the season of gluttony and avarice and misguided crafts:
One wreath of holly.
Please notice that it is hung over our woodpecker doorknocker. This is not because the red of the bird brings out the red of the berries. It’s because I’m trying to disguise the knocker. Because, as noted in an earlier post, I think it sends the flickers in the neighborhood the wrong message. In other words, the f*#%! flicker is back.
Recently I’ve heard pecking noises on the studio walls in the morning as I am attempting to summon the muse (AKA Dressage Delaney: see below).
Each time I hear the noise I leap up, scream some profanities (that’s right, Eileen, profanities) and begin banging on the roof and walls with a large stick. Pecking ceases, story over. Or so you would think.
Yesterday morning the pecking was more insistent than usual so I raced outside to try and catch Flicker the F*#!r in the act. I saw the white underside of his tail flash as he skedaddled (can a creature with wings skedaddle?) into the nearby trees.
At first there didn’t seem to be any damage to the walls. But then I noticed the little tufts of something pink clinging to the siding. Insulation! I looked down and saw a massive pile of insulation at the base of the studio. FLICKER! YOU F#@!*#!r You’ve excavated a studio apartment in my writing studio!
So now we’re stuck. Do we evict Flick in the dead of winter and cover the entire studio with bird netting, as we did the house? We are starting to look like one of Christo’s art installations. Or do we try and see what will happen if we let Flick stay? Will that be an open invitation for bats (whom I can live with), rats (whom I cannot) and god knows what else?
How can a person concentrate on making hideous Christmas crafts when a bird is taking apart her house?? How I ask you?
Up next: Frank’s Christmas Outfit and Other Crimes Against Humanity