I realize that you probably don’t think of yourselves as a unit, much as we here in Canada don’t really think of ourselves as the same entity as Mexico and the United States. But listing England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales felt a little, well, unwieldy. Anyway, as you may or may not know, my first novel, Alice, I Think, published on your fair shores as I’m Alice I Think, was released in the U.K. yesterday.
It is my sincere hope that you will give it a warm welcome. Perhaps you may even want to make it a bestseller!
Why should you make my book a bestseller? Well, other than the fact that it’s basically an homage to the U.K. — that’s the subtext, if you will. Discovering that requires very careful reading. And probably multiple copies of my book — I personally am quite a fan of England, Scotland Ireland and Wales. My husband and I even got married in Scotland! Which is not to say that we prefer Scotland over the rest of the United Kingdom. We love all the countries of the United Kingdom equally.
Perhaps you saw us in Fort Augustus in the spring of 2001? We were the ones with the sunburned noses who went for “chips” (known as “fries” in North American parlance) in a pub with our small party after our wedding. In case you, like the barmaid who served us, felt that was a little tacky, well, yeah. It was. We are. But that’s no reason not to buy copies of my book for yourself and all your friends!
Should my book become a bestseller in the U.K., I promise in future to be a bit more well-bred and have better manners and not go to pubs in my wedding gown.
Are there any seamstresses among you? Because if there are, you might be interested to know that I actually made my own wedding skirt! Yes, I did. That’s why it was a bit crooked around the hem and why the button on the waistband popped off during dinner, which I would like to point out, was held at a nice hotel and not a pub!
It may seem that I am giving you a bit of a hard sell with regards to my book. It’s true, I’ve written no similar letters to the people of Canada, the United States, Australia or Finland, which are the other places my book has been published. But the U.K., as you well know, is special. I didn’t get married in those places so I don’t feel the connection to them that I do to the United Kingdom. (But please note that if it might help to make my books bestsellers, I’d be quite willing to write pleading letters to all of those places in addition to India, Japan, Sweden, Germany, Haiti and Tibet and all points in-between.)
What are some other reasons you may want to support my writing career? Well, my cousin Jess spent almost two years in Ireland. She was the one with the Canadian accent. She worked at an aquarium and, from what I’ve heard, spent quite a bit of time in pubs. So you can see that the love of things U.K. runs in the family. Who knows? Perhaps when it’s time for her to get married she’ll do so in Wales or England!
Finally, I’ve heard that the people of the United Kingdom like dogs. So do I.
I also hear that the United Kingdom produces the best soccer (football) teams. Team [insert the name of your football team here] is my absolute favourite.
In light of this, please feel free to buy my book. Also, I would very much like to visit the United Kingdom again and having a bestseller would assure that my trip would be paid for.
Come on U.K.: Let’s start a mutual appreciation club!
Cheers! Oops. That’s for my Australian letter. What I mean is: aye, or pip. Or just plain goodbye.