I finally received a bid! A bid! For my paintings! (Well, painting, singular. Fruits and veg to be specific.)
I was overwhelmed by emotion when the bid came through. I laughed. I cried. But most of all I immediately felt like selling more stuff over the Internet. “Hey, we don’t need that couch! I should try and sell it! Frank! Get over here. You’re going on the auction block.”
Then I was hit with suspicion. Was this wonderful bidder my mom? (Mom? Is that you?) But then I realized that she’s not really the type to a) make up a disguising false email address or b) spend money on a painting by me when she knows perfectly well that before long I’ll be giving her paintings as gifts for all significant occasions. Such as Tuesdays and the beginning of March.
Finally, it occurred to me that it’s Christmas. The bidder, marvelous maven of good deeds that she is, is doing a charity to my painterly self-esteem. (The other option is that she actually likes the painting and well, there’s no need to get ridiculous.)
So, dear, kind (successful) bidder,
I’m going to offer you a couple of choices here.
1. When your bid came through the bidding was closed. So you can say that you made my day, encouraged me in my burgeoning art career, and save your money due to a technicality.
2. You can send me your address and I’ll send you the painting. If I receive payment (I hope this hasn’t been one of those elaborate art scams I’m always reading about in Vanity Fair) I’ll donate the money to a local charity.
If you choose Option #2 you won’t be sorry. Imagine the conversations you can have with your friends!
“Hey, what’s that on the wall?”
“It’s my new painting.”
“Oh my god. What is it?”
“Fruits and vegetables.”
“Hmmm. I don’t see it.”
“It’s by Susan Juby.”
“Who?”
Oh, you’re going to enjoy that painting no end.
And may I say that you are obviously a person of some taste. I know because you chose the fruit and veg painting. We had a guest over last night and he suggested that the crane painting looked like a dog using the facilities, which was… very rude but not altogether untrue. I must hurry and paint the other panel. Once that crane has a dancing companion no one will say he looks like a poodle’s tail.
*You will note that I’ve recently turned on the “Comments” function on this blog. I doubt I’ll leave it on due to the fact that even one rude comment will freak me out and I’m already unstable enough, but for now feel free to drop me a line.