You were my first big box store and I loved your epic size and bold colouring. I liked the way I could find nearly anything in your cavernous, warehouse style self. I also loved your knowledgable sales associates.
So it is with some regret I inform you that I am breaking up with you. I made this difficult decision yesterday. I came to you with the intent of buying some bricks. Like a lot of bricks, they were heavy and I had quite a bit of difficulty pushing the uncooperative trolley to the checkout. Once there, I discovered that you no longer have checkouts staffed with humans. Since the last time we got together you’ve installed self-serve checkouts.
It’s bad enough that you’ve cut the number of sales associates to the point where we, your devoted customers, are forced to follow them around like lost puppies, but this is simply the last straw.
When I retired from retail I was making $17 per hour as a cashier (at a liquor store) so if you want me to check out my own bricks, you better have a cheque for $23.50 waiting for me when I hit the exit. (That’s based on my calculation for how long it would take me to figure out how to ring through some bricks that don’t have bar codes.) Also, I’d like to know exactly how much of a discount I’m getting for performing what is really your job. In addition, I’d like to know what you’re going to do with all your cashiers. (Perhaps they’ll all be employed in cutting cheques for customers who need to be paid for doing their work?)
Oh forget it. It’s best that we just not see each other again.
Good luck H.D. and goodbye. Obviously, it was never meant to be.
P.S. I will be asking for half in the divorce settlement. Just so you know.
(Oh, and for all those who keep writing to say they’d like to see a second season and have already written CTV, I suggest getting active on the Alice, I Think forum on the CTV message board Alice, I Think Discussions. There are like-minded people on there and on the IMDb message boards IMDb. I know a lot of you are interested in the actors and particularly in Alice’s clothes. The show’s not a who-dunnit, so there’s only so much plot to discuss, but you can meet some other fans there and let the network know you care!)