Dear 2011,
I forgot to make a list for Santa this year, so I’m going to make one twice as long for you. The thing I like about making lists for you, New Year, is that you’ve never met me before and have no preconceptions about my nice/naughty ratio. Please don’t talk to Santa. He’s a terrible old gossip and doesn’t forgive and forget the way someone with chronic rosacea and persistent belly fat ought to.
So I know it’s traditional when greeting the New Year to begin by listing the many self-improvement initiatives one is going to undertake to improve one’s baseline excellence, but frankly 2011, my baseline is already very high and I’m no longer interested in showing up others’ baselines through my relentless daily striving for perfection. Instead, 2011, I’m more interested in what you can do for me that won’t require a lot of time or effort on my part. What I’m proposing is sort of a quid pro quo minus the quo.
Without further preamble or explanation, because I’m no longer interested in being polite, here are my demands for 2011:
1. I would like to be able to touch my toes. If you’ve been speaking to Jesus, you already know that in 2010 I took up yoga because of my bum shoulder (and you’ll know about the shoulder if you’ve been speaking to my doctor or anyone who has come within a hundred yards of me in the last year). Yoga is great and I’ve been putting in serious time and effort. The thing is though, 2011, I haven’t been getting all the results I want. Sure, the pain is gone from my shoulder and I feel better than I have in years. But if I’m going to put in an hour or two a day of yoga, shouldn’t I be able to touch my toes? Well, shouldn’t I? It’s not too much to ask, is it?? I don’t think so. I’m willing to be humble about all the other stuff I can’t do (like full wheel back bends or that one where you kneel on your own elbows, etc.) but in almost every class I attend I am the only one who can’t touch her toes. Not that I’m comparing. So please, 2011, have a word with my hamstrings and lower back and let’s get this taken care of. Namaste.
2. Make my new book very commercially and critically successful. I took the time to write it and rewrite it many times and I can honestly say that I gave it my all. I will promote it to the best of my ability. All you need to do is force everyone who can read, even a little bit, to buy a copy for themselves and another for a friend, kind of like what 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 etc. did with Twilight. My book is called The Woefield Poultry Collective in Canada and Home to Woefield in the U.S. Write those names down, 2011, just in case you get forgetful about my book sales like some other years I won’t mention. Also, remember to contact the high powered TV people. A long-lived TV series spin-off is definitely in order, because I’d really like one.
3. Make the book I’m working on right now really good and easy to write and edit. Then have a word with 2012 about marketing and so forth, based on what you learned while making Woefield a juggernaut.
4. I’d like to lose some weight (10 lbs would be fine) but in no way modify my eating habits. Also, I’d prefer not to get food poisoning this year.
5. Don’t be shy about sending money my way. Some can come from book sales and work, but don’t be afraid to leave quantities of $50 bills where I can find them.
6. I’m somewhat interested in becoming a famous quilter, but find quilting a bit tedious and time-consuming. What I propose is that you send along a taste-maker of some kind, maybe Wintour or someone like that, have her buy my first quilt for, say, $75,000. Then get her to tell people like Gwyneth about it and then get Gwyneth to write me up in GOOP as the amazing new quilter so I can determine whether it’s fun to be a celebrity quilter. Please make sure the weight loss has happened before the GOOP team comes to take my photo.
7. If I decide to get chickens, please make them not a hassle. They should also lay a lot of eggs.
8. I’d like the garden to be productive and not much work.
9. It would be fine if I was very inspiring to my students and was voted the best teacher they ever had. They are also welcome to dedicate future publications, including bylines in newspapers, to me. If they would like to bring me delicious snacks, but only when I’m hungry and it’s not awkward to turn the snacks down, that would be fine also. Please, nothing with mayonnaise or green dye.
10. Health and happiness to everyone I know or ever might know, as well as peace on earth and an end to environmental destruction and urban sprawl are also on the list.
As you can see, 2011, there is a lot to do and no time to waste!
I look forward to working with you and if I have further items to add to my list, I’ll send them along when I feel like it.
Sincerely,
Susan
