I’m not in charge of everything and that is a shame. I resent that I am powerless to make people and things do what I want. The feeling has become more acute as my obsession with the U.S. election, the most terrifying political spectacle to unfold in North America in my lifetime, worsens.
Were I finally, blessedly, put in charge of stuff, the first thing I would do is administer a test for major party nominees.
Here’s how it would work. I, the all-knowing, all-doing entity known as The Juby (yes, I would refer to myself in the third person), would load the two candidates onto a Greyhound bus in the middle of the night with fifty dollars in their pockets. Each would be dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt and an old down-filled coat. No toiletries. After a nice 18-hour ride, they would be dumped off in a hard luck town in middle America, where no one knows them.
The first one to get a job (without using their contacts!) such as washing dishes in a restaurant or helping out in a state-funded care home or labouring in a warehouse or farmer’s field would get 5 points. The first one to secure housing (probably after two weeks of shelter living or sleeping rough) would get 5 points.
Each would be subjected to frequent random searches by police on suspicion of sweet F.A. and denied welfare benefits because they weren’t trying hard enough to get work. Not being unfair here, just making sure they’re made of the right stuff and understand the state of the social safety net in the U.S. The neighborhoods in which they settle would be a veritable war zone, with guns aplenty and enough drugs around to keep things lively after dark. Enjoy, kids!
Within 6 months, each would be expected to have secured a raise at their job and made some friends (10 pts). Within a year, they must have moved out of the bad neighborhood (10 pts) and gotten involved in the civic life of the town (10 pts). Volunteer activities would not be paid.
If the candidates made it to this point, they would be allowed to move onto the academic part of the application.
This would entail graduate level exams on the following subjects: world affairs, world history, military history, U.S. history, economics and business, U.S. and international law, and basic sciences, with an emphasis on the environment, and they would have to achieve at least 90% in each. Then each would have to take a course in literature and art and achieve at least 95%. It’s a well-known fact that arts degrees are associated with high quality, thoughtful people.
The candidate with the highest scores would be allowed to run for her or his party.
Would I pass such a test? I’d probably pass the survival part but not the graduate level exam part. But then again, I’m not applying to run the most powerful country on the planet. The problem with the election in the U.S. is too much talking and not enough doing and having done. Resumes matter. They are how people get hired for other jobs. Enough rhetoric. What have you done with your life is a question worth asking. Do you truly understand how your country works for the majority of the people in it? Do you understand the effect of your policies, particularly on those at the bottom?
I know which candidate I think would end up as floor manager in the restaurant and elected mayor inside a year. And I know which one would have a violent meltdown the first day fresh croissants were not served at the expected hour and leave behind an orange smear on the concrete while being dragged to a secure facility.
Yes, I think my scheme is a good one and I’d be very happy if someone wanted to implement it. Hmmm. You know what? I think I’ll implement it. In my mind…